i am still alive yes

Just in case anyone is wondering any differently. I had to go up north anyway for work reasons which ended up becoming a nice break in and of itself. If you had told me a year ago I would have headed off to Aberdeen for quiet time I would have laughed in your face.

Anyway. As I suspected, I am going to have to move. Without going into explicit detail to the casual reader, I live in what is very much a small, quiet town. Where I stay is rural; I took my cat to the vet a month or two ago. The vet is a farm vet. There is very little available on Just Eat; Uber does not exist out here; if I want a McDonalds I have to drive 20 mins away. I am sure intelligent people can read between the lines (which means the now three* women involved in question are shit out of luck, and perhaps can ask a responsible adult to explain this blog to them slowly). As a Glaswegian this has driven me up the wall frequently but I also really like my house. I planned on buying a house back in the city in 2 years when I assumed the markets would begin to stabilise and it was a trade off – I had to be back in the Central Belt for family reasons. I was not paying silly money for a tenement flat just to have a G postcode when this was money I wanted in my pocket for my own property. Making temporary sacrifices for long term goals is sadly something that adults who live in the real world have to do.

My misfortune has turned out to be someone else’s fortune in that they were contemplating letting out their own property, which will take me back to a G postcode (ie not out with literal cows for neighbours), relative anonymity and yes – Uber. I am still able to continue on with my original plans (buying a house in 2 years). I focus more on the positive elements rather than the negative. As I said, I am pragmatic and analytical. It has driven most of my ex partners insane to the point I was once called a terminator by one. Which I still find quite funny as terminators are cool. I just don’t see the point of running around losing my mind over every emotion I experience. If problem A presents then you apply solution B or C or even D until problem A no longer presents. This has what has made me good as a Dominatrix; I do not have a preference for being in control, I have an innate need to be in control. It has made me good at my own role and it makes me adept as a Dominatrix.

I will be offering far more session time at Abstrakt than I ordinarily do without passing the additional cost of studio hire on top. It will generally cost me around £10 in petrol going to the city (I told you I am rural) and takes about 30 mins to drive in one way. This is why I have tended to dissuade people; it takes up a good part of my day. If people make the decision to come out to see me they are generally taking time out of their day anyway. I still prefer intox sessions at my own location due to the environment I prefer to create. This method will likely maintain even upon moving.

Yes, but as I said I am pragmatic with a need for control. I will secure my own environment (e.g. immediate security, long term risk, impact on desired goals) both short and long term, even if it requires making difficult choices. Being upset about the wrongfulness of something will not undo the event. I make decisions and choices for those that offer maximum practical benefit to me. It doesn't matter whether I dislike something or I think it is fair. I am unable to control other people, particularly the terminally stupid and mentally deranged; all I can control is myself, and my handling of a problem.

Yes, but life experience has taught me not to waste a tear on insane individuals. I have a very strict code of ethics in that I do not expect others to follow, but I adhere to quite pointedly. Part of that is to apologise when you know you have done wrong to another, because it is both morally correct and shows personal responsibility. I have no issue apologising to someone knowing I may be told to go fuck myself (and I have been told to go fuck myself). The apology is not for me nor is it for the world; it is an acknowledgement that I did wrong to another party. I find it a personal failing/weakness when others do not do this. The world is full of people waiting for closure that never comes. I accept that a person is too weak when faced directly with their fuck up and would rather run away. That display of cowardice is my closure. I have been this way with shit colleagues, partners, former friends et al for much of my life. Present situation excepted, consider a time when, for example, a partner has caused you genuine and true pain/despair/heartbreak that they know they caused for no other reason than malevolance. And rather than apologise, they ran away with no explanation, least of all acknowledging the hurt and distress they caused. Why sit around waiting for a closure that will never come from a coward? The closure is in the weakness they have displayed. You may walk away hurt, jaded, torn up - but you are not a coward. You may beat men for money, but you are at heart a coward. A 'Dominant' woman would own her shit.

Me. Carina is something akin to a pressure valve for me. I am generally reluctant to tell people in daily life that I must be in control as this is often twinned with looking to control others. This is, somewhat amusingly, against my personal ethics - I would rather chew glass than be controlled, so I do not do it to others. I have no desire to manipulate nor control the thoughts and behaviours of others. In this setting, a person volunteers as tribute and this appeals to the need for control I have. It is a psychological game for me that I derive entertainment from. I am sadistic, but probably on a deeper level than a carnal one, and people readily offer themselves up as masochistic playthings. Probably more comparable to a cat seeing a bird - it is just instinct to hunt, and chase. If someone does not present themselves as a little bird, I have no interest; if they flap their wings around me, it instinctively brings out my prey drive. You are best to see me as the blood that circulates Carina. As I said, a dominant or Dominant woman would take ownership of her responsibilities and not run away like a coward. Anyone can beat or degrade a man for money. Dominance is what you are. 

People have wondered why I have not sat online and kept it going. Doing so, again, would go against my personal ethics and values. I also have a life, something I gather any of the now three* women I know to be involved in this clearly lack. One of the things I found quite sad is that I have someone who follows me (that I have met frequently) who said that he was actually starting to enjoy Twitter “until your concern troll” where it reminded him of why he hated the site, and deleted his account. He then sent me this article on the day it was released asking me if it reminded me of anything and I laughed. This is a problem I have long held with social media; a person that you follow or enjoy the content of posts a statement as absolute fact, with little evidence. This ‘fact’ is engineered to create an emotive response in the audience; it either appeals to their political views, their sense of empathy, their biases, or (and I personally find this the most pathetic), can be utilised for other parties to derive their own engagement. There is still an absence of evidence. Take for example the recent Russell Brand allegations. My personal belief is that the man is a narcissistic, vulgar grifter wherein his narcissism will drive him to engage in whatever gains him both financial reward and a devout audience. I do not believe he craves ‘fame’ so much as he craves obedience, because he is a narcissist. He is sufficiently intelligent enough to realise that fame is fickle but a parasocial audience are the most devout of all, hanging onto the words of those they set on pedestals in the way others exalt religious scripts. His own autobiographies, outbursts and routines are damning. I have not, however, expressed my opinion on said allegations. I am geared toward evidence, not opinion. There is overwhelming evidence that he is a narcissist; most of them are by his own admission, so I find it baffling when he is perceived of as auspiciously intelligent. He is intelligent to those who are dazzled by grand displays of verbosity and ripe for manipulation in the light of said dazzle. I am neither. Brand, like every other narcissist, would melt upon being ignored because he is simply not as intelligent as he believes himself to be, nor are any of his reinventions particularly interesting. I have never been given evidence to disprove that he is not a narcissist (and a transparent one, which makes him inept). I would go further to say that all the vulgarity is as fake as his excursions into politics – merely his narcissism crying out that now he will finally be seen as a real man by daddy dearest and not the wounded little boy wondering when daddy is going to make a reappearance. It is clear how little my opinion is of him as an individual. I have nothing to gain from joining in on social media calls to interfere with his income nor pleading for his guilt or innocence. There are processes for the latter.


but i was only trying to help

Oh, the war cry of covert narcissists. To use Brand as an example, the man will literally tell you that he is a narcissist. He has delusions of grandiosity and openly admits to manipulating others (mainly women) to achieve his own desires, with no display of either remorse or empathy. I love shock humour; I am obsessed with South Park. The creators are not narcissists, as they have admitted when they have been wrong and displayed genuine empathy (the Britney episode when it was the rage to mock a publicly very mentally ill woman).

Covert narcissists are angels who thrive on the same manipulation and grandiosity, just with a victim complex built in. Social media creates a haven for the covert narcissist; a person may lie or embellish a vague truth that catches like wildfire before the target has the means to address it or put their side forward. “Person A said [this]. Therefore, you must see Person A as a bad person.” This is still narcissistic smearing and character assassination. Why must I care what Person A thinks, says or does? Person A is a random individual on the internet I do not know. I may personally find Person A’s statements or behaviour questionable through to deplorable, but I will arrive at that conclusion on my own. I will not be manipulated into it because you have told me that I must dislike this person. You dislike them. I am not your flying monkey. Yet social media allows repeatedly for these outbursts of covert narcissism. If you tell me to stop speaking to a person, I see it as an attempt to control my thinking and/or behaviour and I will not comply with the request. This is where guilt by association comes in, because social media utilised by covert narcissists often drives what is comparable to struggle sessions or speak bitterness campaigns. I have no desire to lower myself to this. I will lay out evidence for you and what you choose to do with that information is up to you. The covert narcissist cannot do that; you must be brought under control to agree with the request (to denounce and shun), or you are now broken and ripe for the same treatment (guilt by association), because of your disobedience. You probably agree with Person A. You have probably conspired with Person A (to cause the narcissistic injury). Here is some thrown together evidence to prove your treachery along with Person A (ah, “this you”). You will now have your own struggle session foisted upon you, a court wherein you will have no representation and the jury pronounced you guilty in your absence – you are merely here for sentencing and dispropotionate punishment.

Seen as little more than an extension of the covert narcissist’s self, you operate peacefully until you challenge their authority. They will always know what is best for you, because you are an extension of them. You have no personal identity nor personal opinions, besides the ones that the covert holds. Your character defects exist to either be fixed (which provides the residual element of martyrdom, and the attention it brings), or to be devalued (when you have begun to exhaust your usefulness). This is why coverts nearly always show up at moments of vulnerability and/or crisis. They are angels who can never do enough for you, and on surface level seem to be empathic. Until the injury comes, and the narcissism becomes overt.

This is why I do not like social media, and I feel no need to keep a wrong against me (however egregious I find the wrong) going. It is something a narcissist does (for the purpose of attention and validation). It goes against my own personal morals and ethics. Much as I would like to hope that what happened to me would serve as pause for witnessing how online stupidity can impact a person in the real world, I am realistic and know that there will be someone else acting stupidly with no consideration for others. It has not acted as a conduit for changed behaviour for me as I simply do not play in virtual struggle sessions. I would hope that those who stumbled across my misfortune would read an article like the linked BBC one and, when faced with online bombardment in the face of no evidence, pause and think “actually, I know of this one person who got the cops sent to her door by randoms on the internet when she was lying in bed trying to work out if her hangover was going to kill off her chances of another round.” (The hangover – no, police at the door – oh yes, quite dead. I am sure I am someone’s story of when they went home with someone to wake up with cops at the door)

I am not a medical professional and not qualified to diagnose individuals. If they are reading this and the shoe fits, by all means it may do something for a clearly flailing business method contrary to the usual leather boots. I would quite honestly hope what happened to me, and this blog, would give at least one person pause for reflection. I realise it likely will not. 

You will only drive yourself crazy trying to work out why insane people do the fucked up things they do. They are hollow and miserable and the punishment is that they have to live in the condition that they do. Narcissists cannot be reasoned with nor justified with. They can only be cut off at the root. Particularly covert narcissists, who are invariably prone to turning on the waterworks and only trying to helps. It has been a week and none of the parties involved has made a singular attempt to contact me directly to apologise, explain or tell me what they have told the police. They have access to my email, they would be capable of passing this information via a third party (but I guarantee that at least one of them has tweeted about it, because they need the validation as well as the money). I need the validation or money about as much as I needed the police at my door when I was lying in bed with a hangover. I have lost someone I care about deeply to suicide and if I am honest I found it extremely upsetting/retraumatising. It didn’t occur to me until speaking to someone else that I could have had men turning up at my door either. The entire thing was a complete blast through my personal safety for no reason.

Anyway, if you would like to donate to my moving costs, there is a Wishtender link here. I gather the third* Dominatrix (who I have been gracious enough not to name – yet*) was contacting Abstrakt openly asking for my bank details saying that she was contacting Police Scotland. Why do you need my bank details? Do I owe you money? I don’t even know who this woman is yet between the three of them they have took it upon themselves to crash entirely into my personal life demanding my bank details from a dungeon, sending the police to my home address, telling Twitter and the police that I am a missing person et al. I am not apologetic for the fact that I found this traumatising as I have lost a friend to suicide. I have made frantic, hysterical phone calls. Do you not think that anyone casually reading your bullshit may have had their own experiences with this and you, in turn, have also caused them moments of recalled, genuine distress for no fucking reason whatsoever? 

As you are so concerned with my bank details and real identity, perhaps you can cough up to the costs of my moving – or are you that cowardly that you will simply leave that to men to do? Yeah, I figured as much. Some ‘dominant’ women you are. 

my patience is at all time low. Try me.

* Correction to original publication – lol. You must really think women in Scotland are stupid.